Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
The “Bearded Man” strikes the Five States
By Adam Parvey
A new criminal appears to have made the Five States their home. But this is a criminal who seems to have greater reach than any before him. According to witness testimony, he may be able to move faster than anything we have ever seen. “I saw this fella walk into Blackwater,” said a resident of the town, “and he just opened fire, killing several men and then leaving.” Lawmen gave a chase but the man was gone. He was described as average heigh and build with a distinctive yellowish beard. A case was filed and life in Blackwater went on. However, days later the Blackwater Police Department was notified by the Saint Denis Police Department of a similarly described killed. A man with a yellowish beard and average build was said to have killed several residents before fleeing on the train. The kicker? The report was the same date as the Blackwater incident and only 20 minutes apart.
“It is impossible for the same man to have been at both incidents,” said a Saint Denis Police Officer, “yet, both men were described similarly.” Authorities then assumed it was brothers committing the crimes. But a deputy from Tumbleweed broke that theory. While escorting a prisoner transfer to Blackwater, the Tumbleweed deputy said they chased off a man with a yellow beard after he attempted to rob the general store. It occurred the same day as the other incidents and within an hour of the Saint Denis incident. Authorities began to put together a new theory: several brothers. That theory was quickly replaced, however.
“These local lawmen just don’t see the big picture,” said a Federal investigator who joined the case due to it crossing state lines, “the truth is much simpler than any of these other lawmen think.” The investigator explained that residents of the Five States were recently able to obtain a fake beard made of straw. That beard happens to be yellowish. “We think these are all unrelated crimes committed by people who happen to own similar prop beards,” the investigator said, “in fact, we arrested a woman in New Hanover wearing such a beard while attempting to rob a train.” This new theory seems very plausible and quite simple. However, without a connection, these crimes will be difficult to address in mass.
“We recommend states adopt a no mask or face coverings in town policy,” the federal investigator said, “then these lone actors can be thwarted before they commit their crimes.”
Red fox pelts saturate marketplace
By Jose Chavez
Hundreds of red fox pelts hit the trader marketplace this week. The vast majority were hunted in New Austin. It is unclear why there was such a focus on a comparatively small creature that largely runs away from humans, but hunters hunted them in mass. New Austin naturalists have pointed out that several known fox dens in the state are gone. “These hunters have been thorough, hunting down all of these beautiful creatures!” a naturalist said.
The price for red fox pelts plunged when hundreds of pelts hit the market this week. That means the hunters’ aggression did not pay off and in fact, their aggression reduced their potential income. “Hunters only know two things, kill animal and sell or use its parts,” an ecumenist explained, “they don’t understand the complex nature of supply and demand.” The red fox pelt market is likely to not recover for weeks.
Crisis averted on Bacchus Bridge
By Jane Duran
Ambarino Rangers thwarted a criminal action this week that would have greatly impacted residents of the Five States. It started when Lemoyne Police Officers raided an illegal gambling den. They stumbled upon a plan to blow up the Bracchus Bridge to make the train companies vulnerable. The information was sent to the Ambarino Rangers, who followed up.
They identified the would be bombers and tracked them until they made their move. A dozen Rangers set upon the outlaws as they set the explosives. “We stopped them before they connected the charges,” one Ranger said, “had to kill a few and arrested the others, then removed the explosives.” The plan was thwarted and as of now, authorities say it is unlikely to be attempted again. Though one of the arrested outlaws said it would still fall. “It may not be us but I promise you, that bridge will come down!” they yelled from their cell, “I know ’cause I’ve seen the future and I’ve seen it fall!”
Tall Trees wild life lends a hand
By Odell Clifton
Two men were caught by surprised when they stumbled upon the rare Golden Spirit bear. The bear attacked the pair, who took cover behind a tree. The two danced around the tree as the bear roared. The men jabbed bladed weapons at the bear to keep it at bay. “It seemed like it was going on forever,” one of them said, “I was getting tired but could see the bear wasn’t and we were hardly hurting it!” One of the men took a big swipe, but dodged enough to avoid a killing blow. Just as the two men believed their stamina was about to run out, they were rescued.
“A large elk came running toward us and lowered its head,” one of them explained, “and charged the bear and killed it in a single blow.” The elk ran off and the bear gave one final growl and never moved again. Though the men survived, the pelt was worthless, being marked by repeated stabbings.
Valentine lawmen say they will not address certain gambling related violence
By Emery Cosberry
Several murders in Valentine this week went unpunished. Each of them occurred in Smithfield’s Saloon and all of them happened at the poker table. The first victim was an unidentified woman who sat at the poker table to join an ongoing game. Before she joined, the folks at the table had been playing for nearly an hour. Her first hand, she went all in immediately. The other players grumbled and several folded and one stuck it out. She did it again on the second hand and then again on the third. One of the other gamblers pulled out a pistol and shot her dead. Valentine deputies arrived but did not arrest the man, saying he ‘defended the integrity of the game.’ Just two days later another person did the same thing, sat at the table and started going all in on the first round of betting.
They too were killed, but by a different gambler. Over and over gamblers have been killing people who go all in on the first round. Valentine deputies have ignored the killings each time. “Murder is illegal in Valentine, full stop,” said Sheriff Curtis Malloy, “but with so much violence in town, we have to pick and choose where we focus our enforcement.” Despite lawmen largely ignoring these killings, it has not stopped people from joining poker games and going all in on the first round of betting.
Coconuts Flourish in Lemoyne!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
Consider the most tropical of images, the palm trees on an island, beaches to your left and right, the ocean tide coming and going. The sun quietly sinking into the wild blue yonder, music played by a local band. Ah, but what are you imagining as the drink of choice? Odds are, something with coconut.
The iconic tropical fruit has many uses, milk, water, and building material if you really need it. But it is a crucial ingredient in alcoholic drinks, and it is that, in particular, which is sweeping the state of Lemoyne.
For reasons beyond my understanding, the price of palm liquor, of which coconut is a primary ingredient, has skyrocketed in recent weeks. This has led merchants in Saint-Denis and elsewhere to import the liquid as much as possible, and it’s selling like lemonade on a hot Georgia day. Just as I speak, another shipment has arrived at the docks, and it’s first come, first serve, and it does not last.
Several centuries ago, the coconut was just the odd obsession of explorers like William Dampier. Now, it makes or breaks entire industries. How long will this trend continue? It’s anyone’s guess; it could dry up tomorrow or last all the way through winter. The coconut is, evidently, never to be underestimated.
War on ducks about to commence?
By Lucien Privitt
A trader announced their intention to wage war in the Five States. Not against outlaws or lawmen. Not against against a rival trader or a state. But a war against ducks. “You may think it’s dumb, the ducks here they ain’t right!” the trader said, “they got powers you can’t imagine!” Though they were laughed at, the trader proudly told their story. They explained that while crossing the Dakota River, a duck tipped of their wagon. “Riding over a river is always a risk, but it’s typically quite low near Bard’s Crossing,” the trader explained, “should have been no problem, but a bunch of ducks flew away and one flew into my wagon!” Though the bird should have just died and had no effect on the large wage, the trader said the wagon was tipped over and thrown several feet.
The wagon exploded into pieces and the trader’s goods were spread out over the river. Several washed away but they were able to secure some of their items. “That damn duck cost me quite a bit of money and time,” the trader said, “and time is money also, so just a lot of money!” The trader said they will kill every duck they see from here on out.
The Five States Herald 