Heat claims half a dozen victims on road to Tumbleweed
By Jose Chavez
A mystery that may never be fully explained was discovered this week. A caravan of two wagons and six people was found no longer moving on the road to Tumbleweed. The people were all dead. None of the deceased showed any sign of injuries. Nor was there sign of an attack of any kind, as all armed individuals remained armed with their weapons still holstered. “We know they weren’t attacked, so they weren’t robbery victims,” said a Tumbleweed deputy who investigated, “what we did find was a complete lack of water.” The New Austin desert is hotter than usual during the summer and many travelers underestimate it. Traveling through the desert without water is just as dangerous as being in Valentine on a weekend.

“When you are dehydrated, you can lose consciousness,” explained the deputy, “and then you are still in the heat but still not getting water.” The deputy believes the group was likely all dehydrated and passed out and then continued to bake in the heat until they died. The scene is less bloody than most mass deaths in the Five States, but serves as a reminder that not all of the dangers in the world wield firearms. “It may not be as exciting as a shootout, but extreme heat is a real threat,” said the deputy, “stay in shade, drink water, and live to see another day.”

Train kills captured outlaws
By Jane Duran
An investigation has been opened into a train engineer after a collision that resulted in four deaths. A bounty hunter had captured four wanted men and arranged to meet a state lawman to transfer the prisoners over in Ambarino. The transfer did not go smoothly. “I am not sure what they were doing, if I am being honest,” said the state lawman waiting for the transfer, “they rode up and then just waited there on the tracks instead of bringing them to me.” The lawman explained that the bounty hunter waved and acknowledged them but chose to wait for an unknown reason instead of transfer the outlaws over. “And if you can believe, they leaned backed, kicked up their feet, and took a nap!” the lawman said. Then, the situation went from odd to tragic. A train came down the tracks going slightly faster than usual.

No bell or warning was sounded. The bounty hunter work up at the last minute due to the lawman’s screaming. They did not have enough time to get their wagon moving and was forced to release the horses quickly and jump off. The train was damaged in the collision and forced to stop and the wagon was demolished, with no survivors. The train engineer was reported as smelling of whiskey and they had slurred words. In addition to investigating the train engineer, the bounty hunter’s negligent actions leading to four unnecessary deaths are also being investigated.

After years of absence, the Great Plains Sniper returns
By Odell Clifton
The Bureau of Internal Revenue has become much quieter these days. Their activities are seldomly discussed and the Bureau mostly seems to be trying to stay out of the public eye. Checkpoints are still maintained and transportation of illegal, untaxed alcohol is still punished. The Bureau has just tried to keep a low profile with its arrest. This approach has actually increased the number of arrests as bootleggers have let their guard down during transport. That has changed this week.

A bootlegger was being arrested at a checkpoint when a shot was heard in the distance. A second later one of the arresting agents fell dead. A second later another shot and another dead agent. The agents scrambled for cover and the bootlegger fled. The agents were held down by sniper fire for a full ten minutes before it stopped. During that time, one other agent was shot but not fatally. The agents determined where the shots were coming from and after a few minutes of silence rode in that directly. What they found was a bundle of dynamite, which was shot from a distance. Two more agents died in the explosion and three survived with burns. The Bureau believes the Great Plains Sniper has likely returned. The Sniper was once known for keeping the Bureau of Internal Revenue on its toes. They are credited with killing over two dozen agents, including Bureau leaders. Their return is not a good sign for the Bureau.

Bounty hunter arrested for shooting someone in the leg
By Donna Deshner
A bounty hunter has found themselves in a tricky situation this week. They tracked down a bounty target and walked right into a hostage situation. “I revealed myself and told the outlaw they had nowhere to go and that they should come peacefully,” the bounty hunter said, “but they had a fella there with them and grabbed them as a hostage.” The bounty hunter explained that initially they believed the hostage to be an underling and did not take them seriously. After several tense moments the bounty hunter had made up their mind. “I figured, if this hostage was a real hostage, likely he’d be killed if I let the outlaw go,” the bounty hunter said, “so I made a decision to end the standoff.” The bounty hunter shot the hostage in the leg, causing them to fall down. The outlaw was unable to react quick enough to the changing situation and the bounty hunter shot them in the head.

The bounty hunter took the hostage into Valentine while dragging the body of the outlaw behind their horse. Fortunately for the hostage infection had not yet set in and so the wound was cleaned and the leg did not need to be amputated. Unfortunately for the bounty hunter, the hostage pressed charges against them. “I was an innocent victim and find myself injured and on a long road to recovery that will prevent me from plying my trade,” the hostage said, “I would have negotiated my own release had that trigger happy cowpoke minded their own business.” The bounty hunter was arrested, having already admitted to shooting the hostage.

Alligator Attack in Saint-Denis Market!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
The American alligator, citizens of Lemoyne, know best to stay out of the water if you can help it.  Numerous times have such creatures claimed human lives, upwards of over 100 yearly.  But they usually stick to marshlands, bogs, or lakes.  They are not known for attacking people in the marketplace of the largest city in the state.

At around 1:00 PM today, an alligator must have gotten out of the harbor area.  How this occurred is unclear and should be impossible to miss.  It was, and it appears to have wandered into the market, full of busy people looking to buy.  One man lost his hand; another was severely bitten on the leg.  One police officer was reported to have lost a finger before shooting the creature repeatedly.  No deaths so far have been reported.

The very fact this even happened is astounding.  So many people should have been able to see a lumber reptile in broad daylight, and yet none have.  Government officials are already blaming the police department for failing what should be an easy job.  The police are pointing fingers at careless dock workers.  It’s unlikely either side will back down, likely resulting in a political bloodbath.  Better that than real blood being spilled.

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