Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
The future of the Five States is once again the talk of the region
By Adam Parvey
It seems that for years now, the Five States has been neglected. Yet, those who live here have been optimistic about possible changes and development. Just recently, a resident of the Five States reasoned that once investments in various Florida projects comes to a conclusion, investments will return to the Five States. As it turns out, there are a few things Five States residents are good at: hunting, minding their own business, and debating the intricacies of regional development and investment. “I love this place, but the fancy folk in suits don’t understand it,” said one long term resident, “I’ll stay here until the region becomes unlivable and closed off, development or no.” “You just don’t understand money, ain’t enough money in the Five States right now,” said another cowpoke, “but rest assured there will be enough money in the Five States later.”
The debate went on long into the night. Dozens of gallons of alcohol was consumed, fueling the debate. Shockingly, no fights broke out. Though several had disagreements over the future of the Five States, they all agreed that there is no more beautiful region in all of the world. Whether the region sees new development or not, there is still a certain peace in riding a horse through these states and enjoying its bounty of beauty and freedom.
Unofficial dueling tournament held in Armadillo
By Jose Chavez
Though the Armadillo Sheriff’s Office is denying the claims, several witnesses have reported a dueling tournament that took place in Armadillo. Armadillo, a town that has seen better days, is on its way to being a ghost town. Plagued with several diseases, cholera being the most recent, Armadillo has been in a decline for years. Yet, the town maintains a sheriff station, a general store, and a saloon. Alcohol is one of the few things that are safe to drink in the town. Witnesses say the emptiness of the town was exploited this week for a deadly tournament. An unknown number of participants dueled to the death this week, with winners advancing to duel other winners.
Witnesses say that the death toll was high, but that the death that surrounds Armadillo regularly masked it all. “What’s a few more dead bodies when you got half a dozen in a hole every day?” one witness wondered. The town sheriff called the stories ludacrous, but refused to allow bodies to be examined for bullet holes. “These are bodies of victims of plagues,” the sheriff said, “it would be irresponsible to allow living folks to get near this infected bodies.”
Man turns himself in for murdering a woman asking for help
By Jane Duran
A man sleeps in Annesburg prison, waiting to be transferred to Sisika. His crime: murder. Strangely, there were no witnesses other than the man himself. He could not live with what he had done so he turned himself in. He said he was riding his horse near O’Creagh’s Run when a woman came out of the words asking for help. “I had been attacked at this very spot and I was on edge, ready to fend off the ambush,” the man told deputies when he arrived, “she raised a hand and, it was dark, thought she had a gun, so I shot her dead.” He said at first he was full of adrenaline, the prepared to fight off the rest of the ambushers, but nobody came. The man checked the woman for a weapon and realized his error. “The woman had no gun on her, nobody else came from the words,” the man said, “I even found her dead horse.”
The man was so distraught he rode straight to Annesburg and turned himself in. He brough the body with him. The victim has no been identified yet.
Frustrated hunter turns from “spirit
in the sky”
By Odell Clifton
A hunter said they heard a calling, not with their ears but in their heart. That call was to hunt and stow five animal carcasses on to a horse. “I know many won’t believe it, but I had this compulsion to do it,” the hunter said, “so I knew it was from the spirit in the sky that ordains all hunts, large and small.” The hunter then went out to work. The first step was the easy part: hunting. “I am an excellent hunter and so it did not take long for me to hunt down five beasties,” the hunter said. They soon had two turkeys hanging from the sides of their horse and then got a deer resting on the horse’s rear. That is when it got complicated. “I couldn’t figure a way to stow away anymore carcasses!” the hunter explained. They tried stacking another deer on the deer already resting on his horse, but it just fell off. They tried stacking the turkeys on the deer but that did not work either.
“I finally gave up and brought out my wagon,” the hunter said, “I loaded up all the carcasses and moved on with my life, spirit in the sky be damned.” The hunter said they will ignore any calls from the spirit in the sky from now on. “I will still hunt,” they said, “but now, I’m one of those non-believer types.”
Two outlaws sent to Sisika after embarrassingly losing a 2 vs 1 fight
By Donna Deshner
Two men attacked a traveler outside of Valentine this week, but according to a witness, it went poorly for the attackers. “I, well, to be honest I was in complete shock,” the witness said, “one of them picked a fight and the other was shooting at their victim but missing from a foot away, if you can believe it!” The witness said that that as the fist fight went on, the second attacker missed at least six shots from less than a foot away. “And well, not to lighten their crime, but this guy had a double barrel shotgun and couldn’t hit him!” the witness laughed, “bet that fella couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn.” While being shot at, the victim of the attack fought back. Dodging punches and delivering solid strikes of his own, the attacker went down. The gunman took aim a final time but found himself in a fist fight. “If he couldn’t win with a gun, ain’t now way he was gonna fight his way out!” the witness said. They then described a one-sided onslaught of strikes until the second attack was knocked out.
The two men were scooped up by deputies and arrested. They were still knocked out cold when they were transferred to Sisika.
A drunken man explains how he evaded police weeks ago
By Emeline Vickroy
Several weeks ago there was a city-wide search for a man who had been accused of armed robbery. Though dozens of policemen joined the search, the man was never found. This week, a man told a story while having a drink at Doyle’s Tavern. He claimed to have been the one the police were looking for those weeks ago. Said he robbed a rich woman, parting her with a items of worth. When the police started searching he claimed to have hid in a nearby building. All was going well into a policeman walked into the very room he was hiding in. “Would you believe it, I crouched and stayed hidden behind the opened door!” the man said, “I held that door open and hid, lawman never even noticed!” Doyle’s Tavern draws all sorts of unsavory types, including outlaws, and so the story was met with a round of cheers.
Though he could not prove that his stories were true, the outlaws drinking that night believed it and celebrated. The man did not pay for another drink. Though Saint Denis police did catch wind of the claims, they did not move to arrest the man.
Lady Archaeologist Leading the Field in Mesopotamia!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
The world of archeology is as cutthroat as they come. Some even say it’s safer to run an oil company than to dig for the past in forgotten lands. Gunfights are common, sometimes between locals and a dig team, sometimes its rival teams looking for glory. You must be a little crazy in order to do it. Gertrude Bell is one such person; some may say she’s extra crazy, because she’s a woman.
One of the first women to graduate from Oxford, she has been leading expeditions and digging in what was once ancient Mesopotamia for several years now. She has uncovered forgotten temples and cities dating back to Sumer and Akkad. She has indeed gotten into shootouts with Ottoman officials and a few German archeologists, and yet she keeps at her work.
There are rumors she’s involved with British intelligence, looking for watering holes, local governments disloyal to the Sultan, or even constructing trenches. That’s probably not true, but I can’t say she’s in it for advancing history. We all gotta eat, and some people want their name to outlast their bodies; I think she’s the latter. Ambition and skill will get you far; even the wealthiest of people are not advanced, by resting on their laurels.
The Five States Herald 