Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
The Encroaching World of Spiritualism!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
Death is all around us; you do not need me to tell you this. It’s a part of life and nature; it’s a cycle. None of us like it, but we must press on regardless, until the day we enter a better, or worse existence, and perhaps see what we have lost once again. Or you could pay someone to talk right now.
Spiritualism has been a movement across the nation for decades, the simple yet enduring belief that we can contact the dead while we still live. All you must do, is pay a medium or a spirit photographer or what have you a tidy sum of money. Then, like that! You can hear words from the afterlife! Or the ghost of a loved one in a photograph!
If you are suspicious, you aren’t alone. Many who preach that they alone can contact the deceased, have been accused of fraudulence and hackery, people who fleece the grieving for cold, heartless cash. Such people have been stopping the Five States more and more, likely aware that outlaws and wildlife have taken their toll on populations.
I am not here to say what I feel about these people, although if I did, this would be a shorter story full of strong vulgarity that is best not added to print. I would only politely suggest that if it brings you comfort, there’s nothing wrong with that. I merely advise, that if you are short on funds, look twice before giving it away.
Lizard skin becoming increasingly popular, new boon for New Austin hunters
By Jose Chavez
Hunting is a lucrative, but dangerous, career choice. The most in demand pelts are those that belong to the most dangerous of beasts. Bears, panthers, cougars, wolves, all have a high demand. Each comes with its own difficulties to hunt. With panthers and cougars, hunters often end up as the hunted themselves. Bears can take a shot and still come at you and wolves are typically in packs. Other animals are safer hunts and while they are less in demand, still offer a reliable means of making money. This week demand shifted hunters to focus on one of the safest hunts they could possibly undertake: a hunt for iguanas. Iguanas are desert lizards native to New Austin. They are not typically thought of as dangerous, though they are small and quick and easy to lose in the desert brush. The skin of iguanas has recently become a popular material for boots and bags. As a result, hunters have a relatively safe target while also being incredibly lucrative. “Folks say its easy and safe,” said one hunter, “but following a lizard through cacti ain’t always easy and it definitely is not always safe.” Animal rights activists are protesting the hunting of iguanas, but it is not expected to slow down demand but may hamper supply. This would result in higher prices for iguana skin and likely draw more iguana hunters.
Is tribe lost between the ‘folds of time?’
By Jane Duran
A so called futurist, one who predicts what the future will bring, says the Wapiti tribe of Indians is lost or hidden between the ‘folds of time.’ Aurora Fairfield says that the missing Wapiti tribe is completely gone from our plane of existence. “Our world exist in parallel with other worlds,” Miss Fairfield said, “they are each unique but also each quite similar.” She explained that sometimes, when conditions are right, someone can slip through the barriers into another parallel world. What the perfect conditions are for this to occur are currently unknown. “We are still learning a lot about this,” Miss Fairfield admitted, “so we cannot replicate it but we have observed it many times.” She said it is rare for groups to travel between worlds together, let along an entire tribe, but it is possible. Miss Fairfield could not explain how this occurred and could only offer conjecture on why it may have happened. “The U.S. government has not been friendly to Indians, so maybe they chose to leave,” Miss Fairfield said, “or perhaps fate pulled them through, to keep them hidden until they are revealed at some later date.” The scientific community at large rejects this explanation, saying it is the domain of fiction authors, not scientists. In fact, the only thing that is known to be true from Miss Fairfield’s claim is that the Wapiti tribe is indeed missing. Everything else is just, well, conjecture.
Murderer arrested claims self defense
By Odell Clifton
An Ambarino ranger came across a murderer and brought them into the closest jail cell: the Strawberry Sheriff Station. There, the murderer claimed they were acting in self defense. “I was searching for fossils in the area when these two folks came near me,” the killer said, “I tried being friendly but they opened fire on me!” The Ranger who made the arrest said they happened upon the killed after they shot and killed their second victim. “I looked over the area and it was clear there was a gunfight,” said the Ranger, “but the killer was not shot, so seems unlikely they were the initial victim.” The Ranger explained that the killer’s story does not hold up. “He says he waved and was friendly and then was shot at,” the Ranger said, “so how was he not hit? How did they miss if he wasn’t moving?” They killer remains in the Strawberry jail as Rangers continue to investigate the killings.
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Valentine shootout determined to be the fault of foolish bounty hunter
By Emery Cosberry
A shootout that lasted just three minutes resulted in about a dozen dead residents. It started suddenly, with very few witnesses. “I heard someone shout ‘they got my gun’ and then I heard shooting,” said one witness. Residents quickly took cover as the shootout escalated. Deputies were able to get it under control and as it happens, one deputy witnessed it all. “A bounty hunter lined up three folks he captured to take a photograph,” said the deputy, “but one broke lose from the restrains and stole the bounty hunters gun.” The deputy was able to shoot one of the outlaws dead before they could get free, but two others escaped, including the one with the gun. Then the shootout started.
“Sadly, the victims were mostly innocent folks,” the deputy said, “but we got the outlaws too.” The bounty hunter protested and demanded they be paid for living bounties. The Sheriff refused to pay any bounty at all, however. “The bounties never made my cells,” said Sheriff Malloy, “so I ain’t paying for them.
Affluent Saint Denis residents start a new gang
By Emeline Vickroy
The Pink Ladies are a new gang in Saint Denis, but it is unclear what their goal is. Authorities say they are harmless and are largely a collection of wealthy residents who have grown bored with their status in life. “These are folks who have ‘done it all’ as they say,” said a Saint Denis policeman, “so forming a gang likely seemed exciting and new.” The Pink Ladies, an unofficial name given to them by witnesses, so far just roam Saint Denis looking fancy and flamboyant. Their name comes from the all pink attire and the mistaken belief that the gang was all women. I got a hold of one of the Pink Ladies and was able to ask a single question before they walked off with the rest of their gang. “We’re rich and we’re bored and we can do what we want,” they said, “is it a crime to push the boundaries of fashion?”
While local police watched the Pink Ladies closely when they were first notified of them, they have since relaxed their surveillance. “We are convinced they are harmless, and merely enjoying their extravagant outfits,” said Chief Lambert, “and if that should change and they turn outlaws, well, they are pretty visible as it is, so can’t imagine we wouldn’t notice.”
Can the Five States still be considered the Land of Opportunities?
By Adam Parvey
Residents have grown increasingly frustrated with the state of the Five States. A bountiful land full of wildlife and truly full of opportunities, all allowed to go to waste. Years ago, the collected governments of the Five States dubbed the region the Land of Opportunities. They drew many travelers to the Five States with the promise pristine land and endless possibilities. However, many now say the governments of the Five States wrote a big check they could not cash. Some are now demanding that the region no longer be called the Land of Opportunities, or preferably, that the promises of the past be honored.
“I tried to engage in the so called Land of Opportunities and what did I get?” one resident asked, “endless waiting because apparently, the opportunities in this land are limited to those who can field a full posse.” There are a lot of things one can do without a posse, but seeking out certain opportunities can be difficult or even impossible. “The so called Land of Opportunities are locked off to anybody working alone,” said one cowpoke, “but it wasn’t always that way, us freelancers used to be able to get together, just ain’t enough of us these days.” The powers that be in the Five States did not offer a comment.
The Five States Herald 