Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
An Ode to Mothers
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
There have been recent discussions that the very act of being a mother ought to be honored and celebrated as a holiday of sorts. Some find that perhaps a tad condescending; others find it a touching ode to a demanding job that rarely receives thanks. As women rise worldwide, from voting rights to political office, it matters more and more who we thank. I sit in the latter category; I am in favor of a holiday for mothers.
They are the first thing we see when we come into this world; they created us, they care for us when nobody else can or will. When we are young, they are our protection, a shelter against what scares us. Calming when the sky is full of thunder, and brightens up our day when we are tearful. We miss them a lot when they aren’t around, they even more so.
It’s not something that we can ever truly thank enough for, but even a slight gesture goes a long way. I owe a lot to my mother for my skills and personality, and I know she reads this whenever she has time. Blessed be, Mom, you make life that much better.
This is an ode to all mothers across the Five States, the nation, and the world. I could never express how thankful I am for everything. From cradle to grave I will always cherish the memories. I only hope that, in time, we will be successful at honoring you and making it clear how much that matters.
Race organizers criticized for route that leaves horses injured
By Jose Chavez
A race through the New Austin desert left many horses full of cacti pricks. The race was part of a series going on across the Five States and so sitting it out would be disastrous for racers trying to win. The course was mostly clear, however, there were parts where the path went through cacti patches. Additionally, due to the rough style of most racers, several were pushed off course and deeper into the cacti thicket. Some racers were even thrown from their horse, resulting in injuries of their own.
After the race, there was not a single horse without cacti pricks in its legs. Several cowpokes spent hours pulling out every single cacti needled until they were sure there were none left. “It took a long time and I pricked myself more than once,” said one cowpoke, “but I ain’t letting my horse suffer or get an infection.” The racers then filed formal complaints, demanding such race tracks not be used again.
Man climbs to Mount Hagen’s peak, only the proof survives
By Jane Duran
A man told his friends he would be climbing Mount Hagen, one of the most treacherous mountains in the Five States. That was two weeks ago. None of his friends heard from him. That changed this week when a bounty hunter happened upon a buried camera. The bounty hunter captured a man hiding on the mountain. During the capture he found the camera partly buried in snow and brought it down with him. Though the camera was in bad shape, the film was salvageable. After getting the photographs developed, the bounty hunter posted them around towns in the Five States until one them man’s friends recognized him. A search party was formed but the man’s body was not found. While they appreciate the proof that he made the climb, it has become harder for them to remain optimistic after failing to find him for several days. “Sometimes folks slip and fall into cracks or holes beneath the snow,” said an Ambarino Ranger who is helping with the search, “and it might be that we never find him and that we’ll never know what happened.
Man arrested after he complained about being cheated
By Odell Clifton
A man named Redden Brooks furiously walked into the Blackwater Police Department and demanded they arrest a resident of the town named. The police took the complaint seriously and asked him about the situation. Mr. Brooks explained he had a business deal with a Blackwater resident but the resident cheated them, giving them less money and stealing the product. When the police asked about the product, things took a downturn for him. Mr. Brooks was so angry he admitted the product was moonshine. At that point, the police telegraphed Revenue agents, who arrived later that day.
Mr. Brooks was brought back to the police station to finish his statement only to be arrested for selling moonshine. The agents did go to the home of the customer who allegedly stole the alcohol, but no alcohol was found. Nor was there evidence they purchased any illegal alcohol. Mr. Brooks will be sent to Sisika to await trial.
Smithfield’s Saloon brawler brings a “flamethrower” to a fist fight
By Donna Deshner
Patrons at Smithfield’s Saloon were in shock when a man brought a large device that threw fired flames. The commotion started as they normally do, a bit of drunken yelling followed by a fist fight. The fight ended pretty quickly, a shock in itself. Witnesses say the ornery drinker who started it went down in a single strike, which resulted in cheers at the saloon. The drunk stood up and was none to happy with the cheers for his defeat, nor was he pleased with the jeers he got for starting the fight. More cheers followed as the man left the saloon in a hurry.
Witnesses say the man showed back up with a large backpack and what looked like a rifle. “The rifle was weird, had a hose attached to the backpack,” one witness said in their description. Without warning, the man yelled and aimed the device and shot fire into the air. “It started throwing fire and people ran,” one witness said. Many fled the saloon but a few fought back, firing guns at the man and forcing him into retreat. A deputy responded and fire on the man, hitting the backpack, which exploded and engulfed the man in flames. The man died but nobody else was injured.
Harriet Davenport starts a one woman protest in front of the Saint Denis Police Department
By Emeline Vickroy
Esteemed naturalist Harriet Davenport was in quite the mood this week. She stormed into the Saint Denis Police Department and demanded they arrest a killer while throwing an alligator pelt on the floor. The police stared at her in shock at first, unsure what it was she expected them to do. Then she clarified. “I was watching a wonderful alligator in the bayou, resting and minding its own business,” Miss Davenport said, “when a witless cowboy shoots it, skins it, and then drops the pelt in front of my while laughing!” Miss Davenport said by the time she readied her pheromone spray, the killer was gone. When the police told her they could do nothing, she started a protest in front of the department. She was largely ignored. The police department did sell the pelt, announcing that the funds will be used to improve the city’s safety, though they did not disclose how it would do so.
As economy fails to produce new jobs, old jobs are given a bonus
By Adam Parvey
For years now a steady complaint lodged at the leadership of the Five States has been a lack of new jobs. The jack of new jobs has resulted in a slower, even stagnant, economy. The governing bodies of the region announced recently that current jobs will be getting a boost. Several occupations are being funded to payout extra salaries through the month. The bonuses will rotate through different occupations to spread the extra funding around. Just recently, traders received bonus payouts on all goods. In the coming weeks others will get those bonuses.
While many are satisfied with something rather than nothing, long time residents remain disappointed. “The future was once so promising here, now all we have to look forward to are rotating bonus pay and and assholes always looking for a fight,” said one cowpoke. New cowpokes continue to move into the Five States however and appreciate the extra support as they are barely getting started on the same careers several have worked for years. It has been pointed out by many that the fact that any bonus pay is offered at all is a sign that the powers that be have no completely given up on the region. Others say that is foolish optimism and only sets you up for disappointment.
The Five States Herald 